Not there yet.

Bit of background. I turned 30 in November 18, childless and still living at my parents whilst most of my friends were buying houses, having kids and generally living the life I always thought I would be living by now.

I legitimately thought by 30 I’d be married, have 2.5 kids, maybe working part time, be what I thought an adult should be, but alas, life doesn’t generally work out like that!
Now I’ve moved out with my boyfriend and the dogs, you’d think that the next logical step would be either marriage or kids. Now I don’t get a choice in the getting engaged part (I’m not what you’d call an old fashioned girl, but I want to be proposed too) so maybe a baby would be on the cards in the near future? Turns out, no. Having been told by the neurologist that I shouldn’t get pregnant until my seizures stop (they haven’t) and also casually floated the idea that I could somehow pass my epilepsy on to my unborn child, I’ve taken the stance that I won’t be having children any time soon.
When all you’ve ever wanted is children since you can remember, this is a fairly bitter pill to swallow (and believe me, I’ve had my fair share of pills!). I have had my breakdowns and tantrums about the whole epilepsy diagnosis and what it means for me health wise, I didn’t really think it would impact this part of my life as well.

Fun fact: It turns out that when you’re childless, in a long term relationship and 30, people will constantly ask you as to whether you are having children soon or giving me that all knowing nod when I’m being sick all of the time due to my medication “oh are you pregnant??” No love, just fat and drugged up to the eyeballs on AED’s, thanks for reminding me though! Generally I feel this is kind of a rude question to ask people anyway (not knowing their personal preferences or even if they are able to have children) I have learnt to just laugh it off with a “Well I’d be an awful parent anyway! I love sleep far too much” and the such like.

So if you take anything from this, when I’m joking about not wanting kids, I’m actually just saving face and will probably be having a little cry later to Clive, who will then feel like he’s got to make it better for me even though I’m just being a bit silly. Clive doesn’t need me moping around the house any more then I already do!

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